Shaking The Hips of Relationships [UPDATE]

I am having such a terrible headache now as I type this. I'm sitting in my room, with the windows open, hearing the rain perfectly outside, realizing that this sentence has too many commas and I have really no life. What am I doing sitting at home with my one off day in the whole week, not doing anything, not going anywhere, I know I'm sick (I got a slight fever yesterday), but at the same time it's just so depressingly depressing.

Listening to Wreck of the day will get you in the right mood. So what's on your mind Joshua?

I was browsing through my address book one night this week, and realized how lonely I have become.

You know where in every class there's always a bunch of cliques, there's the cina gang, where they're so cina-fied that they much prefer to talk Chinese all the time, rather than speak English with someone like me. Then there's the English speaking girls where they think of themselves very highly and their so close to one another where you know that there's no way that a guy can be in that group. Then there's the ones who comes to class alone, leaves alone, eats alone.

There isn't a single guy in my intake that's like me. An English speaking banana that happen to grew up on western culture.

It's just not my fault that I didn't sucked on the teat of Hong Kong drama serials when I was younger, learning how to be 'Chinese' just because I'm yellow.

Don't get my wrong, I don't hate Chinese culture, it's just not my culture, it's not me.

And that is just my college. It has well translated into other areas of my life. Trust me, college is not the worst thing right now.

My social life has taken such a down turn that it looks like bloody sinking sand. The more you try to escape, throwing the sand in all directions, squirming trying to get out, you just get sucked in faster. Maybe there is some truth to what she said, "you're trying too hard". Maybe.

But then what's there to do if you don't try? People, friends or no friends, aren't just going to love you just like that. You have to entertain, you have to keep their interest, you have to find reasons for them to love you and give it to them, if not create new ones damnit. Frustration is not a stranger in this sense.

I think I am quite lost right now without someone you could talk to unconditionally (Friends comes to mind, wishful thinking I know) or maybe it's the emptiness having no one to look up to, left me constantly meeting other's needs but neglecting my own. So I end up writing all of this in a blog and risk offending everyone I know that reads this.

Truth be told, I have not felt peace or just simple joy for a very long time now. The kind of thing you adore while looking at groups of friends who are the epitome of what real friendships are. Wonderful company, put on display with no price tag, destroying all hopes for the ones who don't have them.

Of course, at the end of the day, there's no way to put it all in black and white, people are people. What's real is the gut feeling you have.
.
.
.

My Response, 17 Sept
To begin, I would like to say that I did not expect to get this amount of response when I typed this post. Really took me by surprise.

For those who managed to wade through my post that was made out of broken sentences (my expo writing lecturer calls it fragments) and understood what I was writing... for those of you who did read between the lines and understood my predicament even more... for those of you stayed beside me and listened... for those of you who sent me smses... thank you.

Each one of your messages have been just inspirational for me, and I am also pleasantly surprised (and touched of course) by some who dared to go out of character just to show their love and care for me. The amount of love in just those 19 comments did soften this hardened heart.

Closure
There's just so many feelings and thoughts going through my mind at one time, I don't think many can relate to that. The things talked about in this post is just the tip of the iceberg of what's on my mind, and hardly the more depressing of the lot. It gets a lot more messy. Life as a student, life as a church leader and the people that surrounds these two lives - it gets crazy, very easily.

But there has been one up in my whole week of downs, all the things that have been written - your responses, your messages, your acceptance, your encouragement, your love - has relinquished some of the lingering doubts and depression.

I will never be able to accept the imperfection that is life, but your love gives me hope, and with hope, I know I can survive another day.

Love you all